Sailing Into A Divorce With A Secret
When it comes to a marriage, there is one thing that transcends everything else.
There may be friction regarding checkbooks and bank accounts…there may be strife concerning custody of the children and access to them or there simply may be disagreement over the future of the couple’s beloved pet. It does not matter how old each partner is or where they grew up. It’s of no consequence what the partners ethnicity is or their cultural experience. The sexual orientation of a partner or the physical appearance of a partner is far less consequential. It makes no difference if there is disability either physical; emotional or mental.
When it comes to the union of two people, a secret can mean everything and anything.
Imagine a marriage as if it were a majestic sailing ship. The sailboat has two main masts with mighty sails hoisted far above the deck, touching the ever changing sky and always searching for movement of air. It is deep within the furls and crevices of the bellowing sail cloth that a secret hides.
Whether the sailing ship rocks restlessly on a hot dry afternoon or slices the sea as turbulence whips around the two masts, the secret has its place high above and life on deck can appear normal and routine.
Then comes the day when the sailing ship gets docked for good. The sails are lowered and removed. The galley and the sleeping quarters are stripped bare. The deck is empty and the name on the side of the boat is painted over. What now becomes of the secret?
In Divorce Mediation, the mediators are supposed to know how to calculate child support and maintenance. Divorce mediators are supposed to be able to assist the couple with retirement benefit questions and issues surrounding the sale of the marital house. The question is, does the divorce mediator that you may be considering, know what to about the secret?
Our divorce mediators at Mediate for Life, recognize that the reason the sailboat continued to sail all the while with a secret inhabiting its sails, was because there was containment…there existed a working paradigm between the sails and the deck; the masts and the wind; the ship mate and the shipmate.
The missing construct, once the secret is removed from the sail, is a boundary. Without boundaries, the transparency, openness and dialogue, integral for divorce mediation, will not flourish. Our divorce mediators know instinctively and through years of experience, that a secret must be honored and given respect. Most notably, the secret needs to be identified. The communication by and between the couple is not on a fixed time line. It is a critical component of divorce mediation that the shipmates are each ready and willing to release the secret to a safe resting place.
The fact is that partners ensconce their feelings over money and children; their feelings of betrayal and disappointment; their feelings of alienation and servitude, into various secrets. These secrets are scattered throughout the marriage plank like landmines. A divorce mediator can hammer the couple, session after session, in order to chisel and cobble the semblance of an agreement, which incorporates formulas and equations that appear to address the couples issues and concerns. The reality is that a balance sheet and a Schedule A will do nothing to alleviate the anchor that holds down the spirit and hope of a person trying to cast away their old moorings and set sail anew to a future sustainable life.
Please join Mediate for Life Divorce Mediation Center when its time for you to turn into the headwind of Divorce. We will help steady the ship and unfurl the sails, laden with years of memories, obstacles, presumptions and secrets. If its smoother sailing you are looking for, come catch a ride with us.